As the curtain came down on opening night of THE ADDAMS FAMILY musical comedy, I was suddenly reminded of Kurtz’s famous last words at the end of “Heart of Darkness”–  “The Horror!The Horror!” As I, along with many other unfortunate theater-goers, fled the Shubert last night– some of them at intermission–one of them called out to me: “Joyce! Please! MAKE THIS STOP!” So consider what I am about to write a public service.

The show opens with Charles Addams famously freaky family launching into their opening number, but it’s Morticia’s tits that command our attention front and center. Revealed by a neckline which, in the words of her besotted husband Gomez, is “cut down to Venezuela,” they are mesmerizing.  In the course of the evening, they will take on a life of their own, shape-shifting with every scene– sometimes uplifted and luminous, sometimes demurely dipping lower; we worry about them. Will they fall out? As such, they provide the evening’s sole source of dramatic tension.

You see, this show has no reason for being. The plot– and I use this term very loosely–involves cobbled together bits of other things– mostly La Cage Aux Folles. ( (“La cage aux Ghoul”as my colleague Dana Bisbee put it .) Only this time, instead of a son bringing his fiancee’s family home to meet his gay parents, it’s grown-up Wednesday who is bringing her fiancee’s parents home to meet her queer– as in odd–family. Suddenly Gomez is singing about losing his daughter. Suddenly her fiance’s goofy parents are falling in love again. Who cares? Suddenly Uncle Fester is crooning to the moon– in the show’s one wondrously wacky number that borrows its imagery from illusionist/filmmaker Georges Melies and his silent film “A Trip To The Moon.” But why???

To further kill time, there’s a chorus of escapees from the family crypt who sing and dance to tunes like “Death Is Just Around The Corner.” And it is. There are jokes about health care, texting, Jews, pat downs at the airport– that die on delivery. There are props onstage that are never used– a swing in Act II remains unswung, then is removed. There are songs that are sung– but are never really staged– until Morticia and Gomez attempt a tango and Morticia moves as if through invisible sludge. Perhaps she, too, was worried about losing possession of her upper torso.

As Morticia, Sara Gettelfinger moves like a truck driver, sounds like a fishwife, and is a lifetime away from the soigne charm of TV’s Carolyn Jones. The rest of the cast can at least sing– especially Douglas Sills as Gomez who does what he can while standing still, as does Cortney Wolfson whose voice is strong and resonant but is perhaps too vibrant for the dour Wednesday we know and love. Mostly, I cringed or fought off sleep through all 2 hours 20.

I loved the Addams Family on TV growing up. My favorite color –even as a child –was black. I dressed up as Morticia one Halloween when I was twelve. Seeing this show nearly killed me. My condolences, if you have already purchased tickets; it’s your funeral.  Through February 19 at the Shubert Theatre.