I HATE LUCY. Not the star of the groundbreaking 1950’s TV sitcom starring one of the most gifted comediennes of all time, and whom I grew up watching, but “I LOVE LUCY” LIVE ON STAGE– which is Dead On Arrival the Colonial Theatre. Why it’s onstage is unfathomable. As Lucy’s Cuban bandleader husband Ricky Ricardo might say,”Somebody’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.”  You see, there is no script. And I mean, NO script. I mean, no one wrote anything– unless you count the cornball banter with goofy audience plants and the host of what is supposed to be the live TV filming of two episodes of I LOVE LUCY. This “new material” is some of the ickiest shtick ever to befoul a stage.

What remains are two original episodes of I LOVE LUCY– “The Benefit” and “Lucy Has Her Eyes Examined”– uprooted from their warm TV home, and left to die in the hands of body snatchers. Sirena Irwin is a moribund simulacrum of Lucille Ball. She sounds like Lucy on quaaludes, like a phonograph record winding down. Every punchline, every facial expression, every verbal tick– is robotically imitated and telegraphed, but without the joy, the spark, the spirit of a living breathing human being, let alone LUCY.  Comic timing isn’t even a possibility in this universe.  Fred and Ethel Mertz aren’t much better. Only Bill Mendieta as Ricky survives the translation to the stage, capturing Ricky’s sound, spirit, and exasperation with his redheaded screwball spouse.

The aforementioned I LOVE LUCY episodes are acted out onstage and we are the live audience. In between, there are commercials for Halo Shampoo, Alka Seltzer, Chevrolet, etc. performed by a group called the Crystaltone Singers. If you’ve seen one of these numbers, you’ve seen one too many.  How about developing a “behind the scenes” story line in counterpoint to the on-camera TV show? How about shedding some new light on the making of I LOVE LUCY and the early days of TV, or on who these stars really were? Or, spinning out some imaginary spoof on their public personas? How about delivering something worth three dimensions, instead of what, ironically, remains so much more vivid in two– those unforgettable moments with Lucy, Ricky Fred and Ethel, first on our 21 inch Philcos, and now, forever on You Tube and cable TV?!

I can only conclude that the show’s producers think boomers are so feeble we wouldn’t mind this cynical attempt to cash in on our memories. Well, KA-BOOM– may it blow up in your faces. This boomer is outraged at the colossal waste of time, energy, and money expended here.   I LOVE LUCY. Whenever I run across an episode while flipping through channels, I’m glued to the screen. I’d advise anyone reading this to save your money and do the same. You can start here: